exhausted.

the first question that came to my mind was:

why does my holidays after As seem to be busier than my A levels days? probably because i’m working and studying at the same time? too much commitments perhaps. or this could just be the working life..

i’m seriously tired, the reason i’m still not yet recovering from my flu is because i’m still so lack of sleep. i just need one day break to sleep. like seriously. just to sleep. even if the stars collapse and the moon falls on me, i just wanna sleep. it seriously sucks when you need your sleep so desperately but everything is just sucking up so much of your energy and time! GRRRR. i wanna quit my job! #justsaying.

i’m physically and mentally tired, like really. besides having too little sleep, i’m just draining out. i need rest. Lord i need rest, i need rest. i can’t go on like this every single day, i need a break from handling issues, handling people, handling kids..i just need a break. Lord please please just stop my work and school for a day, i’ll be thankful! please Lord..just one day to rest and sleep in. 

Downdowndown

What should i do with all these fears and doubts that never end? And what should i do with all these things that i can’t let go?

Oh i just wanna crash and burn somewhere sometime..

Love actually.

Disclaimer: not-so-happy post.

i used to think that love was sweet romance, and i used to believe in ‘ the one ‘ . i used to think that one day i’ll meet that man that God will place in my life, that one man that was meant for me. but all these fell away when i read an article about marriage and love. it said that there was never a man that was meant for you or something of that sort, and that love was never easy to begin with. they raised up an important point: marriage is the coming together of 2 sinners to become one, how can that ever be sweet romance? 

after i’ve read the article, it seems as if everything i’ve ever believed in my life were fake. they fall away easily, like feathers blown away by wind. all the fantasies that i used to have were shattered; Cinderella was never real. happy marriages AND relationship don’t come naturally, they come through great endurance and discipline. because as a sinner, you hurt each other by sinning against each other. as a natural human being, we tend to hurt each other and even fail each other, leaving scars on the relationship. through all of these, there can never ever be a happy relationship that comes easily without effort. how silly of me to think that there can be relationships that wouldn’t require much effort, much patience, much forgiveness and much discipline! Love actually, isn’t what we think it is. it is, tragically beautiful.

while it’s all negative, perhaps things would change when we draw closer to God. 

you failed.

you have failed yourself, not as a mother only, but as a human. you never ever see the fault in yourself, you only see the pain you went through and the things you have done, you never ever remember the things we have done for you. you tell the world how good you are and how the rest have come against you. 

how can anyone make their children do anything for the sake of their pride, even sinning? how can there be such a failed mother? you were right when you said you failed, because you never had the heart for others. you may seem to do things for them, but the gratification is yours. i’m utterly disappointed in you, in your actions and your motives. 

we put up a show just to feed your pride, let you step on our pride just to make you happy but these are all a facade. so this is what you wanted? you asked for this, you wanted it. remember that. no one is responsible for your actions, you can make the choice as an adult. but you chose to behave like a child and blame everyone else you could blame. 

that’s you, mum. 

funerals, and their weird traditions.

My grandfather just passed away, but i’m not sad about it. in fact, i’m joyful and normal. well, life goes on. He has already moved on from the mortal world to the immortal, why should we mourn for so long? And, we aren’t even mourning..the sons and daughters were playing mahjong during the wake. woah. how mournful they are. -.-  one of the aunts told me i can’t wash my hair or the water will seep into my grandfather’s eyes and he can’t see. can they hear themselves, and how funny they sound? i’m so gonna wash my hair 2 times a day! LOL! i don’t think my grandfather would want us to be sad when he has lived a long and good life. come on, he has been wanting to go since few months ago, and here we are mourning and not letting him go..seriously..

i so wanna go esther’s weddinggg!! what a bad timing grandpa, what a bad timing..LOL at those brainless traditions again..about being inauspicious. i’m a Chinese, but i have a brain. too bad. i’m not following them. i have pink hairtie and clip on my hair~ i din remove my earrings ytd and i won’t do so today too~ 

it’s not like my parents won’t know that i’m gonna pop by the wedding, come on, i’m going church! how can i not pop by the wedding, they know it in their hearts too..but since they’re not saying anything, i’ll just go ahead with my plans lor..

Lurve

A common phrase: love is not just about the physical connection between 2 people.

Many might have already understood this, and already moved on from it. They may be attached or still looking, but i only learnt it when i’m attached. After you’re attached, touch becomes a part of your love language and the desire begins to grow in you. There are many instances when i just wanna be close, but there’s always the little voice telling me that there is more to it than just being touchy. It is about the knowing each other to the point where your hearts start to connect. It is about learning about each other till you’re ready to live with him. This, takes much time and effort and reliance on God.

It all begins with little steps. The little step to like you, then to know you as friend, then to date you…these are all little steps that brought us here.

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blah.

why did i get a blueblack out of nowhere? what did i do in my sleep?? lol!

A judgemental world

I don’t wanna study, don’t wanna take exams, don’t wanna go uni. I don’t know what i’m studying for either, just blindly following the standard that the world has set. Life got to be more than this! Roarss. Ayeeee.